Thursday, August 9, 2012

A Serious Case of "I Don't Wanna"

How do I know when I've been trying to do too much?  When I get a case of "I Don't Wanna".  You know, when you wish you were about three years old again so you could plant your butt down somewhere, cross your arms, stick out your lip, and refuse to do anything.  That is exactly what I feel like today.  I've got a serious case this morning.

I don't wanna wake up at 5:30 a.m. to get DH's breakfast made and pack his lunch before he leaves early for work today. (But I did, cuz breakfast together is our guaranteed uninterrupted private time and I know he didn't want to get up early either.)

I don't wanna can the peppers and cukes I started soaking in lime water yesterday. (But I will because otherwise they will go to waste.)

I don't wanna finish my baking for this afternoon's farmers market. (But I will, as soon as I determine how today's stormy weather will affect customer turnout and what items and quantities are enough.)

I don't wanna decide if I have enough tomatoes left on the counter (due to DH's excessive tomato snacking yesterday) to bother canning them, and if I don't can them, what to do with them. (But I will, most likely by going to the garden and finding the next ripest candidates to round things out.)

I don't wanna deal with DD1 who is due at college in 14 days and suddenly having severe anxiety over leaving home. (But I will, because what choice do I have?  She's scared and she needs guidance.)

I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna.  The list goes on, but gets a bit too detailed of my life to put out in internetland.

What do I wanna?

If somebody could waive a magic wand and take care of the I don't wanna list for me, I would sit down and do a puzzle.  I've been wanting to work on a puzzle for over a month now, but there is just too much needing to be done that I won't allow myself to even open the box.

If I didn't have to tackle the I don't wannas, I'd sit down and draft up about a dozen blog posts, mostly with how-to pictures.

If the I don't wannas would disappear, I'd like to finish the king sized quilt that has been a three-quarters finished quilt top for the last three years.  It's kind of brightly colored, and I'd planned to use it as a summer quilt on my bed.  I'd also like to make the T-shirt quilt with DD1 that she decided she wanted to make of her old high school sports and activities shirts.  The plan had been to work on that together this summer, and have her take it with her for her bed at the dorm.  Oh, and I'd like to make myself a new apron; my old trusty one is looking rather old and ragged after a good dozen years of use.

I wanna spend time with DH when he's not tethered to work.  Technology is not necessarily one of my favorite things, especially when laptops and smart phones mean that he is making conference calls in the dining room at eight p.m. and working on the computer until 11 p.m.  And juggling work issues on his 'vacation days' just about every day of vacation he's taken this summer, including the ones he took so we could watch DD1's softball team in their run for the state championship and when we went to SC for some R&R and to visit DS1, K2 and the grandbaby.  Or when he has to go into work right after dinner on Sunday to get stuff ready for 7 a.m. testing on Monday.  Or when he's driving us somewhere and has me type in a text or email to a coworker or boss on his smart phone as he dictates to me what the message needs to say so urgently. Or when his laptop joins us at breakfast (GRRR!!)

I wanna finish the manuscript of my second novel so I feel ready to submit book one and book three for publishing (they all  tie together, but one and three were written first, then I decided I needed two to explain some of the gaps between them).  I love to write, but only for me, not given a specific list of things to include, issues to tackle, or deadlines to meet.  Probably why book one got it's birth when I was eleven years old and in sixth grade, but didn't get polished up and 'finished' until DS1 left home when I was 36.  Book three I wrote in 2008 and haven't touched since.  Book two has been languishing under my overload of tasks for the past four years.  I do want to find a publisher for them, but adding that to my mountain of tasks is just too daunting still.

I wanna break!  No, not a break.  A change.  Yes, I want a change.  Add that to my list: figure out the change I want, and how to implement it.

I wanna stop trying to do three jobs (in terms of money making or bartering for things) and a myriad of tasks myself, and just figure out which one is the most lucrative and fits best with my family, my interests, and this little place here.

But first, I have to tackle the I don't wannas this morning.

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