Bending Noses and Curling Toes: My View on Raising Children

I've had this kicking around as a rough draft on my computer for a couple of months now.  Debating whether or not to post it.  I'm sure it will offend more than one person out in internet land.  But you know, sometimes in life we get offended, and learning to deal with it is good for us.  And, since this week I've gotten the question again about what I did with my kids to make them so awesome (DD1 just was awarded a scholarship locally, and was in the newspaper, along with the essay she wrote for said scholarship competition.), I thought maybe I actually should go ahead and put it out there for the world to see.  I'm not bragging, not trying to make myself look great, not trying to put anyone else down.  I'm just trying to honestly and thoughtfully answer a question I've gotten many times from many people in the past 15+ years. 

So, here goes.


Through the years, I've had more than a handful of people ask me what I did with my kids that made them so great, smart, etc.  Always, I said "nothing", because I truly believed I hadn't done anything differently than any other parent. 

Then, one day, I realized I was mistaken.  Apparently I had done things differently than many other parents.  Because what I heard from parents who were lamenting over their kids' lack of academic ability, or social skills, or sense of personal responsibility didn't jive with how I'd interacted with my kids.  And that's what makes me feel at least minutely qualified to give parenting advice.  My kids have all turned out pretty well (so far.  They currently range in age from 22-14).  There have been more commendations and honors than embarrassments and criticisms.  The proof is in the pudding, as the saying goes.

So, without further ado, and in no particularly meaningful order, here's my twenty-two plus years of parenting wisdom compiled into an easy to read list:

Kids need
--fats.  Their little developing brains need and use fats--naturally occurring ones.  Don't feed them a low-fat diet; instead give them whole milk, cheese, yogurt, real butter, etc.  Skip the fried foods and greasy burgers, just give them fats that naturally occur.

--structure.  Mealtime, bedtime, playtime, chore time, homework time, family time.  Life is not a free-for-all, it has a rhythm.

--nutrition.  See fats.  Feed them real foods, which don't usually come ready-to-eat in a paper or foil wrapper or a crinkly bag.  Better nutrition = better health = better attendance at and performance in school and life.  Good nutrition is a recipe for success.

--limits.  They need adults to be the boss.  The guides, the leaders.  They are not capable yet of making good decisions on the important things in their lives.  Let them pick out what color shirt they wear, not what time they go to bed, what they will or will not eat (at my house it was eat what was served or go hungry til the next meal, and none of my kids was ever malnourished or severely underweight).  They do not get to choose whether or not they will do their chores or schoolwork.  There are things in life that you must do whether you want to or not, and chores and schoolwork fall into that category.  It's better to learn that now rather than later.

--to be interacted with.  By you, the parent.  Not the TV, not the video game, and not just their friends.  Parents are the most important influence on a child's development.  I'll say it again, it's so important:  Parents are the most important influence on a child's development.

--a stable home.  Mainly this means that the adults in the home are the same people as much of the time as is humanly possible. It also means that they are home with their kids nights and weekends, not out running with friends while the kids stay with a sitter.  My DH traveled quite often for his job when our four kids were growing up.  In response to this, he and I felt it was doubly important for me to be a stay-at-home mom as much as possible.  If I had to work for financial reasons, I tried to find a job that was only during school hours so that I was home when my kids were home.  I'm not trying to dis on single parents.  Heaven knows you have it tough when you're trying to bring in all the income and be the only parent in a child's life.  But this spring, when DS2 graduated, it was really driven home to me how important a stable home is: of the three co-valedictorians and the salutatorian in his graduating class, all four of them came from two-parent homes.  Single parents who are not single by choice, I'm sorry.  Do the very best you can.

--to explore.  Let them get dirty (and then take a bath), make a mess (then clean it up), experiment with cause and effect.  A few germs won't kill them, they probably won't burn your house down, or blow anything up (at least, not until they are teenagers, LOL.  And then it won't be a malicious destruction, but a curiosity- and creativity-driven science experiment gone wrong :0)  )

--discipline.  See limits.  They need to know that the things they do have consequences.  Let them see both the good and the bad consequences of their actions.

--a higher power.  See limits and discipline.  It's also my belief that they need the higher power of religion, but I'll leave that up to you and your priorities for your children.  Basically, they have to know the world has rules, and they aren't the ones who made the rules.  Everyone has to answer to someone.  I answer, ultimately, to God.  That keeps me pretty straight, most of the time.

--exposure to all ages.  Life is not segregated by age.  In the adult world, all the 20-somethings don't work in one office, the 30-somethings in another, the 40-somethings in a third, the 50-somethings at yet a different place, and anyone over 65 vanishes off the face of the earth.  Nope, life is about interacting with and being exposed to all parts of life from birth to the very elderly and including death.

--to read.  Read to your child, right from birth.  The child who is shown that reading is fun, that books are interesting, that adults enjoy reading too, is the child who will be a good reader.  And a person who can read has no limits on what they can learn.  With the right book or how-to-website, you can teach yourself pretty much anything even if you don't have an expert around to show you in person.

--physical activity, preferably outdoors.  Not to say physical activity can't take place between four walls, a roof, and a floor.  But outside adds such a richness to it.  There is so much to see and experience outdoors that broadens one's mind.

--manners.  Survival necessity.  Manners make the world go round.  Respect for others is included and is a key part of having manners.

--LOVE.  Yes, in capital letters.  Kids need love.  We all need love, but kids, especially, need to know that they are loved.  That's what makes them feel important, knowing that their parents love them and want them around.