Today is DH and my 25th wedding anniversary. WOW! 25 years!! Um, how did that happen?
Honestly, it was a decision we made, not just when we got engaged (a few days over 26 years ago now), not just when we got married at the tender ages of 21 & 23, but over and over, and over again, through the years.
Getting married is easy. Staying married, not always a piece of cake. We've been apart a lot in the last 25 years. Not in terms of separating from our marriage, but physical separations due to DH's job with it's regular travel requirements. Those separations, while being challenging--talk about having to trust each other and stay true to our marriage vows--have also been strengthening. While being a hardship mentally (and often physically too) when we didn't want to be away from each other, all those work trips sometimes gave each of us a needed break from each other. They make DH appreciate me more (my good cooking, how I make sure he's up and fed in time to leave for work each day, how I manage all the finances and running of our household), and they let me, as he gets older and snores more, get a few good nights' sleep in! LOL.
There have been times when we didn't see eye to eye. Times when we seemed to be going in opposite directions, with opposite goals. And, truthfully, one time when I'd had about all I could take, and actually told DH that if things didn't change, I was ready to see if the kids and I could move in with my parents. Now, sharing a house with my mom is something that I have never wanted to do as an adult. It's something that I've avoided like the plague; one of the reasons, early in our marriage when we had three small children, a mountain of debt (doctor bills and student loan payments) and DH lost his job, that we worked so very hard to stay solvent, to make payment arrangements with our debtors, to not declare bankruptcy and to take whatever jobs we could find, just to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies until more gainful (and enjoyable) employment came along. So, when I told DH that I was seriously thinking of moving myself and our three teenagers in with Mom, he knew our marriage had hit dire straits.
We worked it out, though. Wasn't easy, and we both had to give more than a little. (And, I do still get rather annoyed with his job when it starts working him to death--for the good of the program he's been assigned--and by default I get the crap end of the deal--like a grouchy, rarely available husband). We also have had to keep a sense of humor, especially in those "you can laugh, or you can cry" times. Like when we sat down and talked through the logistics of a divorce, and he said "I will pay the mortgage payments so that you and the kids can stay living in our house until the youngest one is 18, but I don't make enough to pay a mortgage here plus rent a place for me." and I replied "well, I work in order to pay board on my horse, I can see if the barn owner will let me work more hours in exchange for you living in the apartment in the barn." It was kind of a ridiculous thought; getting divorced and working to 'board' my ex-husband at the horse farm. Especially since in a horse barn is the last place on earth that he'd want to live. Made us both laugh, and admit we had faults that needed working on, and realize that neither one of us really wanted to go through the rest of our lives without the other.
But up until that discussion, as much as he denied it, his work situation for the previous two years had turned him into a super critical and grumpy person who was mostly a negative presence when he was home. And I, in return, had pulled away and was less willing to spend time with him when he wasn't working. Rectifying the situation took a lot of conscious effort from both of us. I had to trust and reach out. He had to try to put on a happy face when he walked in the door after work, and bite his tongue--rather than bite my head off--about any not done housework he noticed, or dinner menu that wasn't his favorite.
We both still slip up and fall back into those roles from time to time. He's really dedicated to his work, and that is acknowledged and reflected by the heavy load his boss puts on him. He doesn't realize when he's becoming what I refer to as a "large and growly bear" at home because of overwhelming work pressure. I'm not fond of housework (I'd much rather do outdoor cleaning than indoor), and when I'm really busy with stuff I do slack in the housekeeping department. I also lose my motivation to clean when DH is hardly ever home and prickly when he is home. Compound that with my introverted-ness, and what he comes home to after a mentally and emotionally strenuous day isn't a welcoming and relaxing home with a companionable wife.
Extra hours at work = less time to keep up with his chores at home = more work for me at home = he's stressed out + I'm stressed out = more arguing and less fun. As long as we both keep that in mind, when it starts to happen, we can pull together as a team instead of letting the situation rip us apart, as it nearly did those years ago. It's really important to stay on the same team.
In fact, that is pretty much the advice that I wrote on a slip of paper back in March at DD1's bridal shower, where one of the activities was for the guests to write advice and well wishes for the soon-to-be bride. My advice was "Always remember you are on the same team. No matter how tough life gets, remember marriage isn't DD1 Team versus Honorary Son team. Marriage is the DD1 and Honorary Son Team."
A team pulls together, whether the score is in their favor, or the score looks like victory is unreachable. A good marriage is the same way. Good times, tough times, husband and wife remain on the same team and pull together.
DH and I intend to keep pulling, keep together, for many more years. Hopefully at least another twenty-five.
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