As per usual, things are busy again. May is always a month that seems to ramp up quickly to the overwhelm stage. The grass is growing and needs mowing once a week, if not sooner (thankfully, this is a task that DH prefers to own rather than it being in my group of assigned tasks). The flowerbeds (totally my task) are blooming with perennials, but that, unfortunately, also includes weeds that need to be pulled sooner rather than later. The garden (95% my task) needs to be planted, then weeded and watered and mulched. The LBM is back in training, and there's also the Poetess and Jedi who need to be worked frequently each week (Jedi needs me a lot right now as he gets a refresher course before I start sticking the rank beginner level grandkids on him). Speaking of grandkids, they have a lot of sports going on in the evenings, and some Saturdays, that DH and I are trying to attend at least one competition of each grandkid before their current sport season is over. And there's Faline's kindergarten graduation coming up next week too.
My head is swimming. Sometimes I feel like I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I know I need to do some 'me time' in this hectic month, but I have trouble taking a break without feeling guilty for the things I'm not getting done during that time.
Such was the topic of conversation earlier this week with my therapist (I started taking advantage of our mental health benefit in January; I mean, if it's there why not utilize it? Especially when I could tell I was heading for burnout /body breaking down to halt me again.)
I know, from past experience, that I have a tendency to people please and to take care of everyone (and everything) before taking care of myself. Which, when done to excess, is a very unhealthy tendency indeed. I also know that, when I do sit for a minute and take a break, that I later (sometimes later is 2 minutes after sitting down) feel guilty for taking that break. For spending a little time on myself in a way that isn't showering, brushing my hair or teeth, or eating a proper meal (such has long been my definition of good self-care: I'm clean, groomed, and fed; more than that is selfish use of my time). So I asked the therapist how I go about 'teaching' myself to do the self-care things that are restful. How to retrain my brain, how to rephrase taking a break from selfish or unnecessary to appropriate and allowable?
She asked me a few questions, one of which was if I keep a To Do list of tasks. Oh yes! I have multiple lists of tasks, some are daily, some are weekly, some are long term, some are time consuming things, some are quick little things to fit in here or there as time allows (the quick little things is aptly titled A Million Little Things).
Then she asked if I have a Rest List: a list of things I like to do, find relaxing, and would do if I had more time.
Um, no. No I do not have such a list. It never occured to me to make a list like that. Is that even something I'm allowed to think about when there's so many other things needing my time and attention? I mean, look at my bajillion To Do lists. . .
Her answer was YES! YES YOU ARE ALLOWED to have a list like that! You are allowed to rest. You need to rest, especially when your life is busy.
Huh. Who woulda thunk it? But when I did think about it, it made total sense. I know horses need rest when they are in training, and that the harder the task (physically or mentally) you are asking them to do, the more important it is to give them rest breaks (hence the walking on a long rein thing in dressage). I know that other people need (and deserve) rest breaks when their lives are crazy. I've even filled in to give other people breaks from their life demands from time to time. WHY?????? do I not think to allow myself the same?
So, between this session and the next therapy session, my task is to make a Rest List, and also to 'practice' resting. In order to emphasize to myself the importance of rest, I'm going to actually schedule it as appointments with myself in the same way I schedule barn chores, meal prep, training sessions with the horses, grandkids sports games, appointments with other people (social, ew, not my default mode) etc. When the scheduled rest appointment arrives, I will pull out my Rest List and choose something on it that fits the scheduled time slot and sounds appealing to me at that moment. And then I will do it, without feeling guilty (ha, this is going to be the hard part) for taking that time to rest rather that plug away at yet another chore or social obligation that 'needs' my attention.
Some things I have written so far on my rudimentary Rest List:
- go for a walk
- sit on the porch swing and observe what's going on outside
- read a book
- do some counted cross stitch that isn't a present for someone
- do some sewing that isn't a present for someone
- work on a jigsaw puzzle
- do some knitting for myself (ie. not a present for someone)
- watch a movie/video (video meaning YouTube)
- color a picture
- read a magazine
- take a nap
- lay in the sun/stare at the clouds in the sky
- draw something (my goodness, it's been ages since I drew artistically and not Pictionary-esque)
- make candy of some sort (it's been years since I've made any candy just for the fun of it and not for Christmas gifts)
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