Monday, January 13, 2014

Football Fantasy

I'm sticking it out here, fully aware that I am opening myself up for some major flaming.

But now that we are so close to the end of football season (as in NFL), I can't hold it in any longer.

For months now, the TV has played football all weekend, every weekend.  And I have lost track of how many times I've seen the commercial that asks "What's your football fantasy?"  It is some kind of competition, I think, probably to win some great football prizes.

I, however, will not enter.  Because I know without a doubt that my 'football fantasy' will not win.

Nope.  Not a chance.

Because the first time I saw that commercial, and it asked me what my football fantasy was, I instantly replied, without having to think at all:

"That it would go away."

August until early February is just too dang long in my book.  Too many weekends, too many hundreds of hours, where household projects don't get done, where conversation can only take place during commercial breaks, where meals are affected by what time kick-off or half-time are.  Way, way too many hours for my liking.

Football fans, I'm sorry.  I just don't get it.  I've tried, for 23 years now, to like football.  I've tried to understand it, and still can't see a play develop.  I've tried to follow it, and all I've managed to do is very rarely correctly answer other than "he's a football guy, right?" when DH gives me a specific name in a question.  Coach, team, player, doesn't seem to stick in my head.  Stats, forget it, not happening.

I also have a tendency to say totally the wrong thing in regards to football.  Strange things come out of my mouth during games.  Things like:

  • "Don't Cleveland's new uniforms make you think of Tootsie rolls?"  (Apparently not.  Apparently this is only a figment of my twisted imagination. The brown jerseys do not look like Tootsie Roll wrappers.  At least, that's what I was told rather grumpily.)

  • "Oh, hey, that dude with the big teeth?  He used to play for the Broncos a long time ago, right?"  (Yes, yes, John Elway did play for the Broncos.  Apparently I should have known his name because he is so famous.  Sorry, all that stuck in my head in the 1990's was the teeth.  I also was supposed to know he's a big shot VP now.)

  • "Is 'Omaha' some sort of code word for 'forget all that' or 'hey listen up'?  Because Peyton Manning has said it in every play so far this game."  (Yeah, I understand plays are called in code.  And that's why, when my ears picked up the word Omaha in play after play, I figured it must be something other than a specific directive like go left or drop right.  Because no QB would call for the exact same thing play after play after play. . . Apparently I am still football stupid.  Because all my question got was a long boring lecture on play calling that basically reinforced the little I do know about it and I still don't have an answer to what I asked.)

  • "At half-time can you give me a hand with. . . ???"  (Apparently half-time is not your chance to take a break from staring at the TV for the past hour and a half and accomplish anything with your day.  Nope, it is when you get a recap of all the other games that you didn't see, or maybe that you did.  You must not leave the couch.  You might miss something important.)

  • "I'm rooting for the Giants and not the Patriots because Eli is better looking than Tom Brady".  (WRONG.  Do NOT ever say this to your football fanatic husband.  It would take too long to give all the details on why this is a bad thing to say.  Just don't do it.)

So, as you can see, my life would probably be a lot smoother if football didn't exist.  And so, my football fantasy remains that football would go away.

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